By: Dr.Gwen Smith

I have met a number of people who are chasing to find love and coming up empty-handed each time they think they have found the one. My first word of wisdom is that whatever one chases runs away. To all the gorgeous Divas out there, and yes that means you, you have to have a calm and quiet assurance of who you are in order to first attract who you are looking for. You also have to become who you want to attract.

The best insight I can give is for you to be completely your authentic self. No one can tolerate a phony for even a brief moment and really no one can keep up a phony act forever. Sooner or later your true self will come out, and when it does, that’s when you will cease to be attractive to your partner because you are not the same you they fell in love with.

I know for sure that quite a number of women say that their husbands changed when they got married. My theory is that the lack of authenticity is the reason. Many guys (and gals) put on their best front continuously to attract a partner. They finally get tired of keeping up the act after marriage and the true self is revealed. You cannot keep up your act forever. It is draining and so inauthentic.

There is another interesting dynamic to having and keeping love: Don’t ALWAYS be a people pleaser. In other words do not compromise yourself, your standards and what you believe is right to please the other person. You may think that they will love you more; however, the opposite is true. You have to be able to stand, assertively and respectfully for what you believe is right. Giving up your rights in all aspects of your life causes you to lose your value in the other person’s eyes. They will lose respect for you, you will lose your flavor and eventually your self-worth and value. Boundaries are extremely important especially in intimate relationships. Hold your significant other accountable. Say what you can live with and what you cannot. Don’t expect them to read your mind. It is not fair to do so. Set those boundaries and expectations very early on and reinforce them when violated, no exceptions! Be firm with a quiet assurance stating what was unacceptable and what you would like to see in the future. You really teach people how to treat you.  Believe it or not ladies, the guys will not find you interesting and attractive any longer if you allow them to violate your person and your space without consequences.

If you are in a relationship that is less than favorable, where respect is not in place and where you are repeatedly violated and you are feeling powerless, you ought to take a look at your self-worth. It cannot be healthy if you are allowing this to happen. A healthy self-worth allows for give and take in a relationship. It also means that you are willing to let go if needed, though it may hurt. You can never be clingy and possessive. Treat your relationship from a perspective of commitment instead of from attachment. When you are attached to something, you don’t let it go when you NEED to. You hang in there and take the abuse and hurt. When you are committed to something, you interact from that perspective with established boundaries which cause the relationship and love to flourish. From the position of commitment, you can be in a serving capacity in your relationship without being a doormat to be walked all over. When commitment is coupled with boundaries, the chances of a relationship thriving is fantastic.


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